The Bad Fic
by Segway
Summary: the war continues with no peace in sight, but Starscream may have figured out a plan to stop it in its tracks.
1. Not to be taken Seriously

The Bad Fic

***

Bumblebee stood out side the base. And in his hand, he held the **Plot Hole Device**.

The **Plot Hole Device** decided to start glowing.

And suddenly,

Bumblebee was pregnant.

"Prime!!!!!" Bumblebee ran inside crying.

"Who did this?" Asked Ratchet, popping in from nowhere or maybe off screen or perhaps Scotty beamed him there, take your pick.

"Uh. Hold on, let me consult the plot hole device."

He picked it up. It was shaped like a digital alarm clock. Y'know, the one with the glowy numbers and stuff?

In big bold glowy numbers, the name Lazerbeak was written. Well, actually 80085 was written there first, but after that it wrote Lazerbeak.

"Nooo!!!" Screamed Bumblebee. "I don't want it to be him!"

"Here." Wheeljack appeared from the same nothingness Ratchet came from and quickly wrote an eight on top of the Plot Hole Device. "Try shaking it."

Shaking it like he was told, aka 'whipped puppy', the numbers tumbled around like a magic eight ball. But a square one.

The new name was…

Star-trona-prime-jack-astro-trap-dino-streak, the new OC pink-gold-black-light pastel blue-more pink seeker who could end the very universe with it's pinky. It's pink pinky.

"No!!!!" Bumble cried.

"Quick!" Yelled Kup, who didn't realize he was in the wrong season. "Give it another shake!"

Shakey, shakey, shakey.

It wrote…

Optimus Prime.

"No!!!" Bumblebee cried again. "How could you father!"

"Bumblebee… I am not your father."

"Gasp."

"I… Am your mother."

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but why??? I'm running away to be a Decepticon now!"

He ran away.

And returned two minutes later to retrieve the Plot Hole Device.

"No one loves me! I'm gonna go marry Starscream!"

"No! Son!"

The entire Autobot base was standing in front of the Ark for some reason, watching Bumblebee run off into the sunset.

**SCENE TRANSITION TO THE DECEPTICON HEADQUARTERS. DID YOU KNOW IT WAS A SCENE TRANSITION? HERE IT IS. THE SCENE TRANSITION. WERE AT THE DECEPTICON BASE NOW. IT'S CALLED THE NEMISIS. IT'S UNDERWATER. IT'S ALL COOL AND STUFF, AND THEY'S GOT FISH. AND SQUID. SOME SWIMMY MAMMLES TOO. IT'S A SCENE TRANSITION.**

"Are you my papa?" Bumblebee asked Megatron.

"How did you get past my security?"

"You are my papa!" Bumblebee's watery eyes widened to the size of dinner plates, well, really, really big dinner plates.

"Oh, my beautiful wife!" Now Starscream was there. "Bear all my children!"

Plot Device now shall skip several months. Cause it wants too.

Hook delivered him/her/it. It's gender really doesn't apply to this fic.

They named it Star-trona-prime-jack-astro-trap-dino-streak. Because they wanted him/her/it to grow up to be as strong as the horrid Mary-Sue who could end the war with a sneeze.

"Mama. Mama. Mama." He/She/it chanted. Repeatedly. For three hours.

"I'm going to throw you off a brige!" Shouted a Generic cannon fodder Decepticon. "I mean, Bridge! I know it's said the same, but I misspelled it the first time."

"Mama. Mama. Mama." He/She/it chanted on, oblivious.

**ANOTHER SCENE TRANSITION. BUT I HAVE TO MAKE THIS ONE SHORT BECAUSE I AM RU**NNING OUT OF INK.

"Starscream." Bumblebee's lower lip wobbled. " I can no longer love you. Today I receive a fortune cookie, it told me it would never work out. Please take care of Him/her/it."

Streams of tears poured out of Starscream's optics.

"DAMN YOU FORTUNE COOKIE! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!"

Falling to his knee's, he could do nothing but watch as his ex-lover slowly sank beneath the quicksand.

"MY LOVER. YOU SHALL BE AVENGED!"

_**TO BE CONTINUED...**_


	2. Chater Title: the title of the chapter

_**CHAPTER 2. BECAUSE I LIED TO YOU.**_

***

Bumblebee was never seen again. But they could still Call him every now and then. After all, he was just stuck beneath a ton of sand.

Starscream committed suicide, leaving Him/Her/it at some far far far far far far place no one ever heard of or will hear of again.

Optimus prime finally got around to filing for divorce. A task that was harder then it needed to be, considering he wasn't married.

Megatron was now running a hot dog stand in the Bermuda Triangle. Business was booming. Location, location, location.

The plot device was bored.

So now Track and Sunstreaker were having an illegitimate love child. At light speed. The child will be born before the setting of dawn or something.

"Tracks! Shouldn't you be resting? That child may look like me."

"Moi? It is you, who is carrying!"

"I beg to differ. This paint job was not made for child labor."

"Your paint job? My body build is too gorgeous to strain in any way."

So they agreed. Someone else had to carry their illegitimate love child.

"Elita-1?"

*slap*

"Arcee?"

*slap*

"Chromia?"

*slap*

"Ironhide?"

*slap*

"He scrapped my paint! He _scrapped my paint_!"

"I guess this settles it then." Tracks.. Talked I guess. "you're going to have to carry my child."

"I'm injured! Look at this paint!" Sunstreaker.. Talked. "you're going to have to carry my child."

"No you!"

"No you!"

And hour of 'No you!'s later, their fighting disintegrated into an all out slap fight.

No fight has ever been more gay. Some even wrote poems and limericks about the day. It was long remembered, yadda yadda yadda…

**The plot device speaks again.**

"I'll help the two of you!"

"Who are you, previously unknown and genderly ambiguous person." Asked Sunstreaker.

"I am _____! That's right! I'm the self-insert _____! My name is _____!"

"Bare our child now!"

"Ok! 'Cus I have absolutely no problem with that what-so-ever! I have no morals!"

"Yay yay!" Track and Sunstreaker jump up and down.

It was now dusk. Previously I said the child would be born at dawn, but I didn't want to wait that long, so now it's dusk. Which I am pretty sure is that thing before night. Or I have it backwards again.

"Yay yay!" Yes, they were still doing that.

The child was born. I don't suppose I could lack any more detail, unless I simple said 'born child.' Or perhaps just 'Born.' I'll go with that.

Erase previous paragraph from your mind.

Born.

"He's beautiful! Why does he look like Megatron?"

"No he doesn't! I'm naming him Mr. GuarbleFlack."

Plot Device~~~~~~~

They landed in the Bermuda Triangle on a flying tricycle. But that wasn't quiet stupid enough, so they nailed a random Decepticon to the bumper.

And only then, did they realize they didn't have a bumper. It was a fricken tricycle.

"Starscream! You're back from the dead! How was your vacation."

"Eh, good, good. Got tortured some, saw a lot of dead people, Y'know, the usual."

"Have you seen Megatron? He runs a hot dog stand somewhere around here."

"Yeah. He's right over there, right next to the giant hot dog stand. What do you need him for?"

"Our baby need a kidney transplant, and Megatron is the only donor."

"He he. Donor rhymes with- Oh, yeah. T rating."

"How do we get over to him?"

"Why, follow the yellowy-blue-kinda gray brick road!"

"He he, Brick rhymes with- Oh, yeah. T rating."

Oh, the Scenery: Hot dog stand. Brick road. Some grass and stuff. Blue sky. Megatron standing off in the distance. Tracks and Sunstreak, just kind there somewhere.

Plot Device ending:

Megatron's kidney sprouted butterfly wings and flew home to little whats-his-name, saving his pathetic little life.

Fortunatly, the butterfly wings did not detach and it resulted in him flying off somewhere by the kidney.

He lived a happy life. I dunno. I kinda just said that to make you feel better.


	3. Fanfraggintastic

Chapter **3. **

***

So as Ironhide rode in on his horse, buckles swaying in the breeze- Wait. I can't decide if I want the horse to be a giant or if Ironhide should be tiny. Eh, I'll just go with both.

The a tiny Ironhide rode in on a giant horse.

"Howdy partners!" He greeted Autobot. "I hath a question of the utmost importance. Hath thou seen Ye' Olde toiletry?"

Autobot shook his head. Yes. His name is Autobot. Very, freaking, original.

Although he was honored by the bunch of soldiers taking his name and shooting the people who were named after his third cousin, Decepticon.

"Tally ho!"

Ironhide galloped away into the sunset.

"Wheeljack." Prime said.

"Yes ever loving master?"

"Don't call me that outside the bedroom! And get rid of the sunset, I'm sick of all the people always going off into it."

", my precious! Yesssssssssssssss."

Plot Device invokes a **SCENE TRANSITION.**

In order to fill the void created by making Wheeljack primes lapdog, Perceptor now became a scientist. He was before too, but now he's one that actually does stuff.

"Muahahahahaha! I have invented the Begonia Spore!"

I really hope you've seen a Begonia before, because I'm not describing it for you.

"Quick! In the most badly written act of hypocrisy, toss this stuff on the Decepticons!"

Mirage appeared. Grabbed the vial, cus now it's in a vial, and ran to the Nemesis.

Breakdown was on the beach building a sand castle with Mr. Duck. Mr. Duck isn't an OC, he's Beast Wars Megatron's Rubber Ducky. He crossed universes. To help Breakdown build a sandcastle. **It's imperative to the time line.**

"Die Con!" Mirage loaded the Begonia Spore into an empty Frebreeze bottle, spraying the nasty evil Con.

"Ahhhh! My Eye's! It burns!"

"HA! Autobot victory!" Mirage threw the Frebreeze bottle off screen, never to be scene again. Hehehe. Pun. :B

Unbeknownst to them, the sand castle went unfinished. **It's imperative to the time line.** _**IS MY FORESHADOWING TOO OBVIOUS?**_

The plot device has spoken.

The rest of this fic now takes place in the Artic.

"I'm free! I'm free!" Bumblebee cheered, no longer incased in sand. He was now incased in ice.

"Prowl!" Optimus was sitting in a big chair, petting Wheeljack like a cat. "Fix this Artic thing."

"Yes master. Anything you say master. Right away master. I'm doing it master."

Prowl hadn't moved from that one spot, doing paperwork.

**NOTE: THE AUTOBOTS KINDA JUST WON THE WAR BUT THEY DON'T KNOW IT YET. AS THE NEMISIS WAS UNDERWATER DURING THE TRANSITION, IT IS NOW INCASED IN ICE. LOTS OF ICE. Shhhh! I'm being subtle.**

Of course with the Artic territory, it also came with the Artic animals.

The dangerous snow giraffe was responsible for more mauling then sharks, lions, tigers and Decepticons combined.

The snow giraffe made that sound giraffes make, and galloped toward the Ark. It sprouted a drill nose and dug beneath the ice, disappearing forever into the depths. But it somehow found it's way back so it could gallop away into the sunset like everybody else.

Gallopy, gallopy, gallopy.

"Wheeljack! I told you to get rid of that sunset!"

"I did! I did! I hid it in the Artic, where nobody ever goes!"

"Prowl! Is the Artic thing fixed yet?"

"I'm on it sir."

He wasn't on it.

"Someone get Jazz! According to Fanon, Jazz can always make Prowl do things!"

"We can't sir. He's in Jail for racism!"

**SCENE TRANSITION**

"Y' can't do this!" Jazz said, clinging to the bars.

"Yet we did it. That's your government at work!"

"I'm not racist! Explain how, in your twisted little mind, I am racist."

"Sir, do you not see how many African-American stereotypes you flaunt?"

"That's not racist! I'm black!"

"That's what they all say. You, sir, are going away for a long time. Maybe it'll give you some time to work out your little hate problem."

"What? What hate problem? Is this not getting through your thick, government issued brain?! I _am_ 'African-American'! I can't be accused of racism against my own race! It doesn't work like that!"

"Now now, you stay put while I head down to the donut shop to stuff my face. With donuts."

"HOW CAN YOU PUT ME IN HERE FOR BEING A STEREOTYPE WHEN YOU PRACTICALLY 'FLAUNT' BEING ONE YOURSELF!!" Jazz smacked his head against the bars at the stupidity.

"Because, kid, I'm also a hypocrite! Have fun in jail!"

Bluestreak then raced down to the donut shop, stuffing his face with donuts.


	4. In the name of love

Chapter 4

***

"Starscream!" Megatron screamed.

"Yes, Oh glorious leader?"

"Fix this."

Megatron pointed to a large gaping hole in the middle of the Nemesis.

"Why, Megatron! What is it?"

"You remember what happened last chapter? We were frozen in ice and the Autobot's were trapped in the Artic? We're fine now, and it left this giant plot hole behind!"

"I know! I'll call the Combaticons!"

Here comes the Com~bat~i~cons! Yay!

"Reporting for duty, sir!" Onslaught saluted backwards.

"Fix this hole!"

"Yes, sir!"

The Combaticon's huddled together like a football team doing that strategy thingy.

"Here sir." Swindle pulled up a transformers sized white board.

"Our plan of action is as follows:" Onslaught announced, pointing at the white board with a stretched out slinky. "We shall dig another hole, roughly the same depth and diameter as the plot hole. Then we will take the dirt out of that one and use it to fill the plot hole! Any questions?"

"None whatsoever! Brilliant!"

"But what about the other hole?" Asked Starscream.

"You have failed me again, Starscream."

"No wait master! I have a plan! The Autobots have a plot hole device, we can steal it from them and fix this hole!"

"A plot hole device?"

"Yes! It can do anything! Speed up time, slow up time, disappear and teleport!"

"Perfect, we can use it to go back in time and stop the plot hole from forming in the first place!"

"Why, that means we won't have to do anything at all! If we transported to the past, we would already have done it by now."

"By golly, your right! My, aren't those time lines tricky?"

"I do say. Tea and crumpets?"

"Don't mind if I do."

Here comes the Com~bat~i~cons! Yay!

"Sir! Come quick! There has been another plot hole!"

Indeed, there was another gaping hole, but this one had Soundwave slowly sinking down into it. He was waving a tiny white flag.

"Soundwave! Get out of there!"

"Negative: Captain must go down with his ship."

The watching Decepticons saluted him as funeral music started to play. Finally, all there was, was a tiny white flag sticking out.

_**THE TINY WHITE FLAG IS IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!**_

"What is the meaning of this?! Who caused this? Dang it, I've lost and officer now!"

"Sir, you did a few hours ago."

"Huh? What did I do?"

"You flooded China. And bombed the south Pacific."

"I didn't do that! I think I'd remember if I did!"

"You did. When you went into the past to fix the first plot hole."

"But I haven't gone yet!"

"Yeah, but it's the past, so you already did it."

"Ah. I see. Any clue why I bombed the south Pacific?"

"Aren't you going to ask about China?"

"Meh."

AT AUTOBOT BASE:

"I'm Freeeee!!!!" Jazz leaped into the air.

"Y'know." Ratchet said. "You never were really in prison. Bluestreak had you locked in a broom closet."

"What? But it had bars!"

"Nope. He just cut vertical holes in the door."

"What about this tracking ankle bracelet thingy?"

"That's _just_ a bracelet."

"No it isn't! Look at all these gadgets!"

"Those are pink plastic flowers."

"B-but.. I wanted to go to prison! I was going to get a tattoo and everything! All that hard Time I spent, completely worthless!"

"You only spent three hours in a broom closet! That wasn't locked, I might add."

"My life is ruined! How am I supposed to get a criminal record now?"

"You can have mine, if you really want it."

"Really? What have you done?"

"Oh, 680 counts of malpractice, prescribing narcotics to drug addicts, giving medical marijuana to people who really didn't need it. The usual doctor things."

"And you'll give it to me?! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" He hugged Ratchet and took his criminal record, which he just happened to have laying around his office.

"It feels so nice to help a young lad." Ratchet said as Jazz raced out of the room.

*** SCENE TRANSITION *** by sir obvious.

"PROWLIE!!! Guess what? I committed 681 counts of malpractice and dropped out of med school! In that order!"

"I love you, Jazz."


	5. I can't remember what happened

Chap 5

[A/N: I'm torn. Between wanting reviews and knowing this fic doesn't deserve them.]

*** On to ficage. ***

The Arielbot's stood beneath a large overpass. It was raining. They didn't want to get wet so they were standing under an overpass, like I wrote earlier.

Edit: Scenery is always subject to change. Also, I didn't really go back and edit this, I just figured I'd do it now so I wouldn't have to do it later.

So now, the overpass plotdevicidly disappeared, leaving the hapless mechs in the rain.

"Silverbolt!" One of them cried. "I can't remember if your our leader or not, or even if your one of us, but it's the only name I can think of. You're the leader now, unless you already were, in which case you're still the leader. Do something!"

"You're right! Plot hole powers, Activate!"

Primus descended from the Heavens. And she was a woman. With hair that changed color with her mood, eyes the color of -insert what ever the hell you want here- , and giant dragonfly wings, the color of gasoline in a puddle. And a blue dress.

She was the most gorgeous, blah blah blah, had millions of dollars, blah blah blah, power to control the universe, blah blah blah, dated Unicron, who was now some hot guy instead of the evil being he was, 'Cus Primus totally cured him of all the bad no no's he did.

"It can't rain, 'Cus I said so!" She stomped one tiny high heel and the rain stopped.

"My children, I have answered you prayers! Now you owe me."

"Uuhhh. Ok. I'm just that much of a pushover to do exactly what you say."

"Take this child and raise her to fight the e~evil forces!~ of the Decepti~cons!"

"Ok. We'll do that. You can go now."

"Wait! I haven't told you about my tragic past yet!"

"Yeah yeah, your parents were sliced to death by a penguin serial killer and brutally raped you, leaving you alone to die and you crawled away and had "us". Does anyone actually believe that story?"

"Don't talk to your mother that way! After all the trouble I went through to have you? Wahhhh! You're as cruel as Mr. Pengy!"

**SCENETRANSACTION.**

Ok, show of hands, how many of you thought I wrote "Scenetransition" above?

"Megatron! There's a large crack in the fourth wall!"

"Dang it! How come none of the other walls ever break? Maybe we should just tear it down and build a door there."

"You can't do that! Could you imagine what this fic would look like if you made the fourth wall into a door?"

"What, Starscream." He asked, coldly. "What would this fic look like."

"It… Uh… Never mind."

Megatron turned on the television.

'C~o~o~orn flakeys! Day gud fur U! C~o~o~orn flakeys! Day Gud. Fur. U~~~~!'

"Ahh! Blasted infomercial!"

**SCENECHANGE**

It's at the magical disappearing overpass place.

"So. To randomly recap everything that just happened in the last minute, Cause we Autobots just randomly do that: Primus handed a baby to Silverbolt and exploded."

"Thank you, fellow Autobot. What would we ever do with out the half-an-hourly ritual?"

"What's the little Sue's name, Silverbolt?"

"Hang on, let me check her dog collar."

" 'Natasha Isabelle Jasmine Canned Goods Penelope Starsy Jessica Brittany McMuffin.' What a beautiful name. I think someone mixed a grocery list in there somewhere, but that adds to the charm."

"So what have we learned today, guys?"

"Oh! I know!" First Aid said, who I just remember might be an Arielbot. I think. "Just because a website ends in .org, doesn't mean it had an orgy."

"Eh, close enough. Let's all go home and hug each other."

"I love you guys!"


	6. The begotten thingymajig

Like… 6, or something?

Suing the not-Sue in a lawsuit

NOTE: the hits to this story are as follows:

Chapter 1: 100

Chapter 2: 40

Chapter 3: 8

Chapter 4: 5

Chapter 5: 3

My fic is weeding out the weak.

***

Bonecrusher, Astrotrain and Blaster were walking up a small trail in a very pretty little park.

When suddenly, there was a rock.

And it started talking.

"I," It announced in a deep male voice. "Am a Sue."

"Ahhh! Nooo! Run away, Run away!" Blaster ran in circles, waving his arms.

"Wait."

Everyone paused to look at Astrontrain, including the rock.

"I don't think it's a Sue."

"What? It just admitted to being one!"

"Rock. Do you have any psychic powers?"

"No."

"Hair?"

"No."

"Magical changing colors and a tragic past?"

"No. But I have a kinda tragic present. That count?"

"Yeah, I think I could give you a +1 for that. How about an incredibly hot boyfriend of high standing?"

"I've got some moss on my butt."

"That's like… -50."

"Aww.." Rock started to cry.

"Wait! Don't cry! I read the text, it said you're name was 'Rock'. That worth at least +5 points!"

"Really? Ya mean it?"

"…. Sure I do."

Plot device ~~~~~ Away~~~~~

The two Decepticon's, Autobot and Rock were now in a super mini mall.

"Ya'guys mean it? You'll really help me be more like the Sue I am?"

"I don't remember agreeing to this." Bonecrusher sulked.

"Plot devices do that, but now that you brought up the subject, _we have to talk about it._ Thanks a lot." Blaster huffed.

"Hey! You're an Autobot! Why were you walking with us in the first place!"

"I'm a typo, it was supposed to be Blast Off with you."

"Oh… I see… I guess we're suffering from plot device fallout, or we would never have brought this up to begin with."

"Me! Me! Make this about me!" Rock shouted.

"Wow! You're already well on your way to Sue-hood!"

"Yay yay yay!" Rock chanted.

"Quick," Bonecrusher yelled! Yes. That sentence deserved a exclamation mark. "We can all run away while the rock is distracted!"

So they all ran away.

_Scene change._

Were at the Nemesis, now. :) A good writer would have described the scene.

"Starscream!"

"Yes master Megatron?"

"Where are all the other Con's?"

"Oh? Uhhh… Well, what brought this question on?"

"It's the sixth chapter, and I haven't seen them around anywhere."

"Huh. I think we should be careful where we step, a plot hole that size wouldn't be fun to trip over."

Plot device has created the "Continuity Cube". **And no, it doesn't look like a repainted all-spark left over from the movie.**

"What is that, Starscream?"

"This?" He held up the Continuity Cube. "We are unsure. Soundwave brought it back last week after we stole Energon, like usual."

"You lying! I was reading the Text, is said it was just created! Besides, Soundwave died yesterday. And orphaned all those cassettes."

"What did you do with the Cassettes?"

"I have them doing undercover work in an orphanage."

SCENETRANSITION

"Bumblebee! You're free!"

"I've been free for the last few chapters, Optimus."

"Oh. Then this is old news."

"Yeah, but it's the first time you've heard of it."

They stand around awkwardly.

"So. How's the weather?"

"… I'm going back to the Nemisis, Mother. And there is nothing you can do to stop me."

"That's not true, I could lock you in the broom closet."

Upon realizing this was true, Bumblebee ran towards Inferno, who I just decided should be there. Leaping onto his back, he rode Inferno into the sunset like a horesey.

"Bumblebee! No!! Why do all the people I love go into that blasted sunset?! Why?!?!"

SCENE TRANSCHANGE. Because I wanted to use a different word.

Megatron and Starscream stood around a sacrificial alter. With the evil Continuity Cube in the middle.

"I do this!" Megatron raised his Cannon. "For the sake of my sanity!"

He blew up the Continuity Cube.

"Y'know, we could have blown it up at the Nemisis and not wasted all the energy to get here."

"And leave a scuff mark on my floor? I think not!"


	7. And so it was

Bad fic 7. Ish. Or maybe it's Eight. I mean 8. Seven?

Eight? Seven?

Eighty seven.

***

"Dear Decepticons." Megatron stood at a podium." 2007 Movie Barricade is no longer rapeable. Any Questions?"

"D'aww…" Came the collective reply from the gathered Decepticons. And those few Autobots in the back who you know snuck in.

In other news, D'aww is now a verb.

In other news, D'aww is now not a verb.

**The plot device wants you to know that it is happy it is being overused.**

Pleezeatron's giant tentacles scattered the battlefield, aiming at Autobots and Decepticons alike.

"Dammit! Starscream! This is all your fault!"

"Moi?!?!?! You're the one who used movie Soundwave's DNA to create this thing!"

**NOTE: **ROBOT DNA EXISTS. IT'S MURCURY AND CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM. JUST A SUBTLE REMINDER FOR ANY WHO DID NOT KNOW. Seriously, it was explained at the end of Transformers: RID. Except if you actually watched that series, then it was explained at the end of Transformers: Armada. But if you watched both of those… Then it was explained in Transformers: G42. Which has not happened yet.

"Nobody told me it had tentacles!"

"…"

"Well?"

"I was going to say 'You didn't ask', but that would be cliché."

"Megatron!" Yelled Optimus Prime from across the room. "How about a truce until we kill the giant tentacle rape monster?"

"Sure thing, Prime. Are you sure you don't want to step out of the cave and sacrifice yourself?

"For the 50th time, YES. I'M SURE."

"How bout you, Starscream?"

"For the 857th time, yes, I do not wish to step out of the cave into the waiting tentacles of a robo-rapist."

"Well… Dang, this is going to make for a very short chapter."

Later that day.

"Behold!" Megatron pulled a large cloth off of a giant machine gun, in front of a mixed Autobot/Decepticon group.

Oh. Sorry, 'Decepticon/Autobot group'. Position MATTERS. To the Decepticons.

"What is it?" Asked a nameless idiot. No one cares about you, Idiot!

"It is… The plot device!"

"Oh, look, a shard of the Continuity cube. Hey, wasn't the Plot device shaped like an alarm clock?" Asked nameless idiot number 2. We actually care a lot about you, nameless idiot number 2.

"No. The plot device was never shaped like an alarm clock. And I placed it inside this gun as a power source."

Prime raised his hand. "Where is it, Megatron?"

"It's over there, its the little thingy shaped like an alarm clock. It's duct-taped to the rowing paddle connected to the toilet paper gun barrel."

"I am… Unsure about the physics of this."

"Don't be. It's connected to a plot device. There's nothing safer in the world!"

Ugh. Idiot number 1 again. "Hey, uh. If we have the plot device, why do we need to attach it to a gun?"

"Do you understand _**nothing**_ of physics?"

"Not the one's you're using."

So. Now they are back at the battlefield. Confronting a very bored tentacle rapist. He had passed the time playing solitaire with himself.

SOLITAIRE with himself. Get your mind out of the gutter. Sheesh.

The De/auto/cepti/bots/cons rolled out the homemade gun.

"Everyone stand back, for your safety."

"Yes, mother Optimus." Everyone said in monotone.

"Fire!"

The gun did nothing.

"This is where trouble starts, isn't it?"

"Every Con for themselves! Push down the Autobots!"

Mass pandemonium started. But stopped when the Monster let out a roar and picked up the gun.

Then the Gun exploded, causing a rip in time, transporting the monster to… later in their own time stream, but they don't have to deal with it now.

"Ha!" Megatron cheered. "It worked!"

"No it didn't!" Starscream didn't agree. "You're gun didn't shoot it!"

"Ah, but it wasn't really a gun. It was a cleverly disguised hand grenade."

"It was the size of a house!"

"A really cleverly disguised hand grenade."


	8. requires beer to be funny, Or just beer

Number B.

Story stats are as follows:

Chap1: 244

Chap2: 91

Chap3: 46

Chap4: 41

Chap5; 46

Chap6: 38

Chap7: 27

I've corrupted 27 people! I win!

***

Today, We are going for a western theme. But Ironhide is out due to an unfair advantage. We left him in Turkey, which I have just been informed is an actually country. I've also been informed that this country is suspiciously close to Greece. Har de har har.

"Daddy." Bumblebee tugged at Megatron's leg. D'aaaaaawwww. How frickin cute. "When are we gonna kill mommy?"

"Soon, son and/or daughter. Soon." He gave the little lad a pat on the head.

Starscream was huddled in the corner glaring at Bumblebee and hugging a picture of Optimus Prime while simultaneously stabbing a voodoo doll of Megatron.

Cue entrance of pointless mary-sure.

Mary-sure: I talk in script format! Regardless of how pointless and annoying that is! It makes you wonder why you bothered writing a story at all!

"Oh? And how,' Megatron asked. "Are you going to randomly influence this story in the hopes of scraping up a plot?"

Mary-sure: I have the ability to grant you three wishes, like a genie! But you can't shove me into a bottle when you're done, because that would be cruel to me.

"Okay, I wish I had a thousand more wishes, I wish you were dead and I wish you were in a bottle."

"Mary-sure: Nooooo!!! Loop holes!!!! Okay, I'll do it. *is ded*

Meh. I got bored of the whole Western theme I have, apparently, going. So now this is a Christmas story.

"Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun-"

"Um.. Sorry to interrupt, Megatron." Optimus interrupted. "But… Are you caroling?"

"We're standing in front of… This is a door, right? And we're singing Jingle bells. If that isn't caroling, we need better intelligence gathering."

"But… Why? This doesn't fit the Decepticon image."

"Doesn't fit the Decepticon image! What are you talking about? It incorporates all that is Decepticon."

"… How?" Asked a particularly stupid Autobot.

"It's a Celebration that gives a good reason to drink high-grade till you puke, you receive presents from everybody and don't have to give anything back, gluttony is abound and you get to lie to little children about a fat man bringing them stuff. See? Completely Decepticon."

"… I though it was about giving, sharing and eternal happiness."

"If they are willing to lie to you about a fat man flying around the world giving away random objects… Well, you can do the math."

Fat Man + physics + idiots = ???

Christmas Morning.

Rumble and Frenzy stared at the Soundwave shaped present. _**IS MY FORESHADOWING TOO EVIDENT?**_

They unwrapped it to find a perfectly mummified Soundwave._** BET YOU WERE SUPER SURPRIZED BY THAT.**_

"Does this mean we can stop the espionage at the orphanage now?"

"Dammit! Do you have a shard of the Continuity cube?"

"… Yes…"

"Give it here right now, mister."

Megatron held out his hand for the shard, as Frenzy walked over.

"Frenzy: Punishment to be dealt with." Said Soundwave as he demummified.

Plot device ending:

A massive brawl had broken out at the Autobot base. All were fighting over the meaning of Christmas and whether or not they wanted to celebrate a holiday the Decepticons enjoyed.

Most just switched to hanika. I'll get back to you when I can actually spell it.

And so. It was the end of the chapter and… it… uhhhhhh…

Better plot device ending:

Megatron and Optimus kissed under the mistletoe, forcing the reader into a coma.

You are now in a coma.


	9. Shhh! we huntin', something or other

Bad fic 9

***

Optimus prime, Bumblebee, Starscream and Megatron are temporarily dead.

And now Beachcomber is narrating the chapter.

***

Man. It was like, banana yellow. An he was sitting there. In front of the entrance and stuff.

"Hey! You know me and my name is Sunstreaker!"

He was mysterious, and painting himself.

"This is private!"

And then he got up. He ran toward me, in a kind of angry way. I knew better, so I ran.

"Stop narrating me!"

I ran, like, two minutes. But it must have been, like, longer. Cause' now I was at the Decepticon beach. And Decepticons were there.

His name was… I 'unno. Hooker?

"It's Hook, you blasted imbecile!"

Oh, yeah. T'was Hook sitting on a beach… What are you doing to Bonecrusher?

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

K. I'll just, like, describe the scene.

"Don't you dare!"

Bonecrusher is on all fours, aft in the air. Hook's on top of him, man. And Scrapper's just kinda in there somewhere. They got this really large pad underneath them, with polka dots on it.

"We're playing twister, dammit!"

Can I play?

"No. Never."

Aww..

***

Beachcomber sadly handed the baton to Perceptor.

***

The Rumble-saurus quietly sneaks it's way to the watering hole (Energon dispenser). Suddenly, he pauses. He turns and looks in out direction, but his eye's are unable to distinguish us from the foliage (wall) thanks to our handy camouflage.

"What… Are ya talking about?"

Ah, the beautiful sounds of the Rumble-saurus. A mix between a broken Kazoo and a bad 1920's mobster movie.

"I'll give you a broken Kazoo!"

Feeling our presents is a threat to it's habitat, it attacks. Fangs bared and pile drivers smashing, this is perhaps a good time to get out of here.

***

After much running, we finally break to catch a glimpse of the elusive Motormaster-saur. Patrolling it's territory, it walks the barren landscape (deserted hall) on it's back legs. An evolutionary trait shared with it's cousin, Tyran-onslaught.

This is a creature better left undisturbed.

***

Ah, walking down the narrow path of the dense jungle (more halls), are the Conehead-ious.

What a delightful treat, that we see not one Conhead-ious, but three different branches of it's family tree.

Here we have the Ramitjet, far more boisterous then it's meeker cousins, this one likes pain. Thrives on it, actually. And without it, this poor creature might die within a couple of hours.

Next it the Dirge-mite. We know nothing about it.

And last, and least, is the Thrust-ite. It is treacherous and borderline homosexual. I cannot go into detail of the behavior of this one.

Overall, despite branching off, they still congregate together and attack in flocks. We should run now.

***

The Tron-Mega-saurus, the king of the Jurassic era.

"Go away! I'm dead for this chapter!"

It's roar is loud and deep, and it bares it teeth in a fierce display of dominance. Waving it's cannon in an attempt intimidate us, perhaps we should back off a little…

"No, come closer and let me get a better shot!"

Running, running, running!

***

The Sunstreak-asaurus is-

"Oh, not this again! Get out, GET OUT!"

-about to be an endangered species.

***

Ratchet-amite, one of the rarer forms of Medicia. It's subgroups include First aid, Hook, and Scalpel. And also you pick of the numerous OC doctor Femme's that abound. joy.

***

Ah, the fabled Opti-potimus prime-saurus. It reclines against the glass mountains (vid screens) staring intently at-

"Perceptor."

Umm… Yes Prime?

"Don't."

***

This brings us to the end of our documentary. As Prime does not wish you to know the nature of the pictures (of Megatron) he was looking at. Thank you and good night.


	10. heroine equels frendship and gud speling

Bad fic 10

***

**The plot Devices mystical powers has changed the fic… into **_**A song fic.**_

_Jingle bells, jingle bells,_

_jingle all the way!_

_Oh, what fun it _

_is to ride _

_in a one horse open sleigh!_

_Hey!_

"Um…" Hoist stared at the lyrics. "How do we do a fic around this song?"

"Me thinks the author is missing something."

_Malchick gay, malchick gay_

_I can be_

_All you need_

_Won't you please_

_Stay with me?_

"A song about gay boys?" Questioned Starscream.

"Oh we can definatly do this!"

"Get away from me!"

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret_

_Don't tell anyone or you'll be_

_Just another regret_

_( Just another regret_

_Hope that you can keep it)_

"Yep." Megatron nodded at the lyrics. "We could defiantly come up with some overused plot with this. Completely lacking in creativity too!"

"So." Bumblebee questioned. "What would the plot be?"

"Ummm. Starscream dating an house plant. You really can't get more generic then that.

_The ants go marching_

_One by one_

_Hurrah!_

_Hurrah!_

"Quick!" Shouted a random Decepticon. "Call in beast wars inferno, we can do this one!"

"But we don't have a time machine!" Complained Hook.

"Don't worry, I can Jerry-rig one with a toilet plunger!"

Twinkle, twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are

Something, something Way up high…

Mmnmnmnmnmnnmmnnm in the sky

_**The author isn't even trying anymore**_

***

One badly rigged toilet plunger time transporter later… (try saying that three times fast.)

Megatron, Swindle, Bumblebee, Starscream and Wildrider were turned human. Cus' The Idea is Lyke, SOOOO Original!!!!!111!!1!!!$!!!1

They were now living in a park, sleeping on benches and avoiding the cops. Also getting dirty looks from the mothers who cam to pick up their kids at the toddler park, as Wildrider decided that he could go down the yellow slide and it was discrimination when they said he couldn't.

"So. What is our next course of action?"

"Find out how to return to normal! Duh! Did you even have to ask that?"

"Wow, You're really OOC, Bumblebee. Hey, that rhymed!" Wildrider seemed really proud of that.

"Of course I am! We turned human! That automatically gives the author the god-given right to screw with our personalities and make us do inane things."

"Oh." Wildrider verbed. "What's up first on the 'Inane thing' list, then?"

#1. Operating a Manual Door.

"What?" Megatron questioned. "They don't just slid open? What kind of backworld is this!?"

"Look!" Starscream pointed. " A magically appearing door! We can use this one to achieve our objective."

The five Decepticons surrounded the door, staring at it intently.

"Swindle!" Megatron barked. "You've had the most experience with squishy's, how do we accomplish this?"

Pulling out a 'Your happy humanized Cybertronian' guide, he flicked through a few pages.

"It says here were supposed to have a Mary-sue or self insert show us how, ya'know, to talk all the interest out of watching us figure it out on our own."

"So then where's our OC mary-sue or self insert?"

"We've run out of OC's and the author still wants to retain some dignity. We're going to have to find a cannon character and pretend he's a Mary-sue."

Loading: Plot device…. Plot device…. Plot device…

Plot device activating…

Plot device activated

"This is why I hate machines."

"Yeah yeah." Swindle waved. "Welcome to the show, Fanzone."

"Fanzone?" Starscream repeated. "I am not familiar with this human."

"He's from another continuity!" Shouted Wildrider. "Die, fourth wall! Die!"

"Why am I here?" Asked Fanzone. "What did I do to deserve this?!"

"Transformers animated." Swindle answered. "Season 2, episode 24."

"What does that have to do with this?"

" YOU WERE GOING TO MELT ME DOWN FOR SPARE PARTS!"

"Alright human." Megatron said, breaking up the argument.

Megatron aimed his fusion cannon at Fanzone, then realized he didn't have a fusion Cannon any more. So he grabbed a rather threatening hot dog and pointed with it.

"Show us how to open the door, or somebody is getting hurt."

"Alright! Alright! Geez…" Walking over, he twisted the door knob and the door eked open. "Satisfied?"

"Yep-I-doodles." Bumblebee nodded. "Now, what's next on the list?"

#2. The toaster

"Ohhhh. What does that do?"

Fanzone stared at the toaster.

"Where did that come from? It wasn't here a minute ago!"

"Welcome to unreality. Please leave a message after the fried sausage." Wildrider giggled.

"Can we skip this one for now?" Asked Fanzone.

"Sure. What's next on the list?"

#3. Sex

"Yeah. That's the europeon pronouciation of 6. Let's move on to number four."

***


	11. it doesn't end here, folks

Bad fic 11

***

And through the power of **Friendship**, the Autobots won the war.

(And by friendship, we mean the generic biased views of the cartoon makers, in which the bad guy never wins or succeeds in any way. OMG, Just lyke R3AL l!fe. :D )

"Starscream!" Yelled Galvatron. "What happened to my looks?"

"Sir, I'm Cyclonus."

"That's a dumb name! You're Starscream number two now. First order of business, Starscream number two, is to explore this Charr place."

Please imagine a camera spanning back to take in all of Charr. Even the worst imaginators can picture this, as it is a huge expanse of nothingness.

Well, okay, there was a rock. And a stream of lava. But nothing else. Unless the sky counts. Whether or not you want to count each grain of sand is optional.

Please stop before you break your calculator.

"Megatron!" Astrotrain is now there. "Survey expedition ready to depart. Chugga chugga choo choo!"

"Excellent! Now… Who to send with you…." His eyes gaze over his troops, who all decided to stand in a neat row in front of their leader.

"Ratbat, Swindle, Motormaster, and that weird little Autobot we captured this morning."

"Sir." Cyclonus said. "Aside from the randomness of the troops you picked, why are you sending a captive Autobot?"

"'**Cause I said so!"**

"But… It doesn't make any sense!"

"Of course not, Starscream number two! If it made sense, it'd be predictable! This gives us the advantage."

"How…?"

"**It just does!**"

***

Cutscene

***

Astrotrain crash landed on a small tropical island. We're still on Charr, but for the sake of the plot, there is a tropical island smack dab in the middle of a desert planet filled with lava.

After the first week without food, they cannibalized the Autobot to stay alive. Nobody will miss Wheelie.

"Well." Ratbat said. "I guess we all have to work together to build a cocoanut raft and sail through the lava ocean. Or risk starving to death."

"That plan will never work!" Announced Swindle.

"**Do not dare mock my plans. I am the only Decepticon leader who's plans had ever succeeded!**"

"Yeah. But that's not this continuity."

"Wait! That's it!" Astrotrain, who is not dead, said. "The fourth wall! We just need to tear it down and add a sail, and we'll have a boat."

"Brilliant plan, Astrotrain!" Swindle beamed.

"Oh, sure. His plan is great."

"What am I?" Motormaster shouted. "Dead?! Why don't I get any lines!"

***

Ut-cay ene-say

***

The plot device morphed the fourth wall makeshift boat into a pirate ship. And to be an aft, he transported the Autobots on board.

"Hi…." Rodimus shifted his feet a little. "I'm the intern."

"We didn't want him." Ultra magnas was blunt. "But the Giant Marble we worship picked him, so we're stuck."

"Yeah." Swindle said. "I know what you mean. Unicron transformed Megatron into and even bigger crazy idiot. And that's even after the Giant Purple Griffin thing. Me and Motormaster are going to start a resistance."

"Do I get a line now?" Asked Motormaster.

***

The Decepticons arrived back to Galvatron on time. Exactly 8:42:12 AM.

"You're late!" Galvatron roared.

"No we're not! The author just said we were on time! You know that's law."

"Who said that!" Galvatron stared at his troops.

"Muahahahahaa! As long as I don't add a tag to my sentence, you can never identify me! :D"

"**NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!**" Roared Galvatron. "I shall tear you limb from limb!!!! Starscream number two, I demand you find the perpetrator."

"Yes sir! Found him."

"That was fast."

"Yup." Cyclonus pointed to Scourge. "Starscream number one is a ghost and has possessed Scourge. And despite what you might think, this fic isn't the creator of that plot device."

"Good work, Starscream number two. You've done well."

***

The end.

Sequel Y/N?


	12. 2lazy2makeNew1

Chapter Whats-it

I continue.

***

Miles and miles and miles away, layed the plot device. Forgotten in the mayhem that was the first Transformers movie, it lay dormant. Like a pristine object of hell on an abandoned desert planet. Well, Earth anyway.

Slowly, over the weeks, small grains of sand landed on one of its buttons. Until finally, the combined weight of the grains forced the button down and activated the time travel mode.

SWOOOPWEEEEEEEEEAAAAAUUUUM

The universe was sucked back in time.

***

Megatron stood up, looking around him.

"Starscream!"

"Yes?"

"What the **** just happened?"

"****? Is that an actually word?"

"No, of course not you idiot! Now, what the &&&& just happened?"

"By way of this conversation, I'd say happened with a side of ^^^^ and a little %%%%. Possibly $$$$. But it was probably the #%&*. $%^&&^*^&%."

"I didn't know you spoke Error, Starscream. I gotta remember that."

"Oh, you'll forget you senile ****."

*** error speak for SCENE TRANSITION. Not to be confused with **** or the ever popular *~*.

"Plot device not like long name." The plot device sat there, now in the shape of a can of beans.

The grains of sand had formed spark within this tiny metal object fused with the plot device, giving it sentience. It now felt lonely.

"Me name self." He said to himself. "Me be… Plotbean!"

"Plotbean be good name. Me join faction. Me be loved like Mary Sue."

The tiny can of beans transformed. But not by much. He more or less just let out two stick legs and two stick arms with crab-like claws. He didn't have a head, so his main form of sense was a radar that came out of the top of his body.

All in all, he looked like an idiot.

*** got milk?

All Autobots were crowded into the main room, all complaining about something being amiss. Except Prowl, whose logic chips had long since fried, probably back during the giant tentical rapist monster chapter or something. Ratchet didn't feel like bothering to fix him.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. It was tiny and tinny sounding. Cliffy fuffle-kins (Cliffjumper) went to open it. He looked down and saw a can of beans.

"Dang it. I get ordering pizza, but this is stupid. Spike! Your dinner is here!"

"Coming!" He moved at a snails pace, literally.

Due to a scientific accident (Wheeljack) Spike, Carly and Chip had been fused with a giant green slug. Only their heads and hands poked out the side of the slug, just enough to justify not finding a cure.

Before they could arrive and massacre the new transformer with a can opener, it transformed.

This startled the Autobots in the room.

"Quick!" One yelled. "It's a Decepticon trap! It's like that Trojan horse in human literature!"

Plotbean let out a yipe and transformed back into a can, rolling away on his side as fast as possible.

He outran the Autobots, but only because they didn't want to go out side. Something about a Decepticon ambush.

He rolled on, hoping for a better welcome at the Nemesis.

***

Will Plotbean make it across the desert? Will the Decepticons welcome him? Will anything ever make sense? Just kidding, that last question is rhetorical.

PS: Look below. There is a button that says 'Review', but it doesn't mean that. It's really a winning lottery ticket. Grab it! Grab it! Quick, grab it!


	13. Chances are

Bad fic 13?

Before I begin the fic, I take a moment to thank all my wonderful reviewers. Thank you. :D Honestly, you should see my ego, it's the size of a house.

***

Plotbean is a can of beans, not a submarine, and he found out the hard way.

As he descended to the bottom of the ocean, I realized he was an OC and nobody really cared for him anyway. so let's move on to more interesting stuff.

Scene: Garage.

Due to a traumatic event I will never explain, Optimus prime is ill. He is now in the Garage awaiting an engine transplant. He is hooked up to life support.

"I can't believe it!" Prowl cried, as he was the most emotional Autobot. "That- That traumatic event! It was so horrible!"

"I know." Sunstreaker patted him on the back. "I know…"

The room quieted. All you could hear was the loud whirr-chick-chung of the life support. An old Shevy was the life support.

Suddenly, the door opened and Megatron stepped inside. He carried a bouquet of trees and tears stained his face. He had been weeping.

**Scene change, as this couldn't possibly interest you.**

Ratchet, who for some reason wasn't Prime's primary care doctor, was building a coffin.

You could say he was a little pessimistic.

**Scene change**

"I found a donor!" Jazz burst into the room. "And as your doctor, I will now be installing it."

Everyone except Doctor Jazz and Nurse Sideswipe exited the room. Jazz wheeled in the engine block in a wheelbarrow.

"Where…?" Questioned Prime.

"Oh… You know." Jazz evaded.

"Seriously… Where…?" Prime questioned again.

"Shuddup." Sideswipe conked him in the back of the head.

"Nice anesthetics, Nurse Sideswipe." Jazz complimented.

"Thanks, they really teach you something in the those med schools, amiright?"

"Anesthetics applied… Er, now what?"

"Eh. Sumthin' to do with the engine block?"

Scene censored due to visible oil and coolant. Viewer discretion is advised.

**Scene change.**

Mr. Duck, who is not an OC, sat forgotten in the sand.

**He is imperative to the timeline.**

Unfortunately, no one knew that. His time flow is now counteracting with that of the plot devices, forcing two times streams together.

It has brought back….

Dun… Dun… DUN…!

The giant tentacle rape monster.

Except, it is no longer a tentacle rape monster, as radiation from the time stream had mutated it into…

The…

Overuse…

Of…

Ellipsis machine!

**Scene change.**

"Prime… You… Are dying."

"But… I… I got the transplant!"

"We know… We just wanted to add a little drama. You'll be fine in a week, but could you… Like… Pretend to die?"

"Yeah, sure. Why not? Bleh." He lay sprawled, dead, on the bed. His optics to never to turn on again.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"………………"

**Scene change.**

"I… Hate… Ellipsis." Megatron growled.

"You're… Not… The… Only… One." Starscream ground out.

All the other 'Con remained silent. Seeing as ellipsis are the only thing they could say, they'd be just as quiet if they talked.

Megatron got up and marched out of the base and into the water.

"I… Must… Destroy… Ellipsis… Machine."

Bang.

And that was the anti-climatic end.

"Finally!" Shouted a generic 'Con.

***

Tune in next time for a chapter written entirely in purple prose. =D


	14. Busting bubbles

14 Happy chappy's

***

Welcome back to 'All my Sparklings…"

Previously on the last episode, we saw Motormaster confess his love to Frenzy; Megatron proposing to Soundwave; Sideswipe in a car accident and Ratchet trying to cure the incurable disease of Rustitis.

Now we return you to your scheduled program:

Megatron knelt on one knee, a giant transformer sized ring held out in front of him. Soundwave stood before him, swooning.

"Request: So sudden." He monotoned.

"I'll give you ample time, sweetheart. But I really need the answer in the next five minutes."

Soundwave was about to reply, when the door slammed open. And there stood…. Another Megatron!!!!!!!! O.O

"Stop!" The Megatron at the door shouted. "That is an imposter! He is really Megatwin! My estranged twin brother!"

"Drats!" Shouted Megatwin. "I thought I had five minutes!"

Soundwave stood between them, optics wide and thinking of a threesome.

**Different scene**

Motormaster looked down at Frenzy, staring into his limpid pools of glistening orbs.

"Sugerhoney," Frenzy whispered. "Do you really love me?"

"Yes, like the burning flame of a house fire, like a raging stampede of cattle, like a monster truck squashing a man flat, I love you."

"That… Is so beautiful." Frenzy's optics glittered with tears, tears like glittering diamonds cut to resemble tears.

Motormaster leaned down and picked up the smaller mech, who was just about as tall as his shin. He hugged him close, like a mother clinging to a baby. [betcha that got you in the mood for romance…]

**Scene**

Sideswipe lay in the hospital bed. He had just been in an accident. Contrary to what you may be thinking, he wasn't in his alt-mode, he was actually driving a car. So basically, a car was driving a car.

"Primus forsaken Toyota…" Sideswipe groaned.

Sunstreaker was at his side. He was there for moral support, and also so he could rearrange the flower arrangements everybody brought in.

"Did you see those flowers Jazz brought in?!? I tell you, those were six ways to tacky. Bleck."

"You my brother," Sideswipe began. "Are a bright ray of sunshine in a dense hour of darkness. What would I do without you."

"You'd have tacky flowers."

**Scene**

Megatron and Megatwin were engaged in a knife fight. Let's just forget the fact that they have fusion cannons for a moment, cause that wouldn't be as cool.

They took stabs at one another, like people usually do with knives. Between them stood Soundwave, like a fair maiden in distress. Complete with the long pointy hat and long braided hair.

"Mine!"

"No, mine!"

They argued so poignantly.

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

Soundwave eventually had to intervene.

"Suggestion: Flip a coin."

"Yes." They answered unanimously.

So a coin was flipped. It spun in the air like a shiny round object that was flat and gold colored. It landed… On…. Tails.

"Yay!" Megatron cheered. "I win."

"Nooo!" Megatwin cried. "It's just like that toy train when we were kids! You always get everything! It's not fair! I'm telling mommy! Whaaa!"

"Ahhh…" Megatron said. "Everything is right with the world."

Then Galvatron burst into the room.

"Mommy!" Megatron eked.

Soundwave inconspicuously slinked out of the room.

**Scene**

He spun the tube like a glittery twig. In his hands, Ratchet held the cure to the incurable disease.

But there was only one.

And both Silverbolt and Skywarp had the disease.

The only logical conclusion was a cage match to the death. Silverbolt pitted agains Skywarp. Jet against jet. Autobot vs. Decepticon.

They both died. But wait a few chapters, they'll be back.

***

Look below. There is a button that says 'Review', Press it and it will tell you the meaning of life. O.O

Don't let this chance go to waist.


	15. Capitalism: naming the states capital?

Bad fic 15

***

Chapter 15, guest staring myself as a self insert!

Of course, my name is Shelby, but that name isn't quiet Failtastic enough. So from here on out, I shall be called Diamond Sparkles McGee.

Diamond Sparkles McGee is an anthropomorphic cat. And so I don't bore you with the details, just imagine the most cliché girly abomination you can think of.

She meets the transformers, but they don't need describing because this fic is all about me! Me! Me! Me me me! Me me me me! Me me!

Anyway, here's the long list of transformers in the scene, and I totally expect you to remember them all: Bumblebee, Prime, Megatron, Starscream, Ironhide, Bluestreak, Ratchet, Wheeljack, Prowl, Soundwave, Rumble, Jazz, Blaster, Ramjet, Thrust, Motormaster and everyone else.

They are all standing in a bar. It has a large neon beer sign. My descriptions are poetic.

I, of course, am the center of attention. I do this by standing in the middle of a round table.

"So." Prime said, tapping the table. "Now that a third alien race has appeared, forcing us all to work together or die, what do we do now?"

"The only thing we know for sure," Megatron said. "Is that it has to involve Diamond Sparkles McGee. A story like this could actually be pulled off if we didn't bring in some crappy character no one wants to read about."

"But everybody luffs me! D:" Cried Diamond Sparkles McGee. "Oh yeah, and I just happen to know the secret location of the Third Alien Race."

Thrust frowned. "Well, there goes any interest in seeing us figure it out. Gonna pull out a secret weapon that will kill all of them in one hit, too?"

"Of course I am!" Shouted Diamond Sparkles McGee.

"I vote we throw her into a fire." Megatron interrupted. "Killing the Author will kill us too, but it is a noble sacrifice."

"Noble, Megatron?" Prime asked.

"Okay, I just want to kill the Sue. So sue me."

The room went quiet.

"I," Diamond Sparkles McGee started. "am the master of the pun. O.O"

**Scene change**

Third Alien Race, abbreviated TAR, were giant slug people. They were made of 75% acid, 22% water and 37% fire

They were unstoppable.

But I, Diamond Sparkles McGee, can stop them. Because there is nothing stronger then a giant robot except a Sueish Cat girl. Phear me.

**Scene change.**

Megatron, Optimus, Prowl and Starscream killed the sue, and are now spending a life sentences in BadFic prison. Starscream is scratching their time spent into the wall. Optimus and Prowl are playing Gin. Megatron is digging his way out with a spoon.

Unfortunately, Megatron can't just blast his way out, because they put that little orange plastic thing on the end of his cannon. That thing is indestructible.

"4,456,352,242..." Starscream called from his sell.

"Starscream," Prime called. "It might go a little faster if you didn't count the seconds."

"Make me!" Was the reply.

Meanwhile, far away, nothing happened. Makes you wonder why I directed your attention to it.

Back at the BadFic prison, Megatron has dug halfway through the cement floor; that was one hell of a spoon.

"I'm almost out!" Megatron called to the others.

"You know," Starscream said, finally stopping his tracking of the seconds. "it's a good thing we don't have any guards, that giant hole is a tad conspicuous."

"Shuddup, Starscream."

**Scene thingy**

Diamond Sparkles McGee floated through the afterlife. She was dead. Suddenly, she looked up to see…

Dun…

Dun…

DUN…

Plotbean.

I am the master of suspense.

"Dearest, Plotbean." says Diamond Sparkles McGee. "I have this 'get out of the afterlife free' card I stole from monopoly. I would like you to have it."

"Yay." Says Plotbean.


	16. Dial 7 million for youknowwhat

16-ish chappy.

***

Here kyou, gone kinou

(here today, gone tomorrow)

This chapter will be written in the perspective of a rabid Japanese fan girl. Enjoy.

Mukashi, Mukashi…

"Sugoi!" Shouted Bumblebee. "Megatron-Sama has invited us over for a party."

"Bumblebee-kun." Optimus interrupted. "We cannot go. The ways of the samurai prevent us."

"Awwwww…" Tears poured out of Bumblebee's eyes in the same way they do in most Japanese anime. "Okaasan! You have to let me go!"

"Nay. I forbid it."

Later that night, Bumblebee snuck out of his room. He would go to that party or die trying. He climbed out of his tower, checking to make sure the guards didn't see him.

He went to the party, and fell in love with the Decepticon prince Blood'n'guts. He was a gary-stu, something I realized my story lacked.

Blood'n'guts married Bumblebee that night, and they ran off together. Megatron-sama opposed their marriage, and sent swarms of Decepticon cannon fodder after them.

But they escaped and lived happily forever. Ever after.

One more thing: KAWAIIIIIIII, NE?!?!??!!

Scene change

[Author note in the middle of the story: Hi.]

Back at the Decepticon base, because none of the above actually took place, they were filling in the plot holes. And boy, were there a lot of them.

"How come we have to do this?" Asked Rumble. "The Autobots should be the ones filling in the holes. They're the one's who want to save earth and all that slag."

"Gobble gobble gobble?"

"Shuddup." Rumble smacked him in the head with a shovel. "You're a little late for thanksgivin'."

"Gobble gobble gobble?"

What Rumble didn't know was that this was no ordinary mecha-turkey, no. This was Unicron in disguise! And yes, I am stealing the plot device from armada.

Suddenly, Mecha-turkey transformed!

Into an even worse plot device!

**The rest of this chapter takes place in bold. There isn't a reason. It's just annoying.**

**Oh, and ****I'll probably underline half of it too! It'll be great!**

_**And just wait until I abuse the italics!!!!!!!**_

_**Further more punctuation no longer exists**_

**Red alert ****Prime said **_**With utter devotion**_

**Wahahahhhhahaaa ****Red alert exclaimed ****Ye shan't catch me **_**he ran around the room crazily**_

**Its a good thing we put him in a straight jacket ****Ratchet said **

**Whoop Whoop **_**Prowl ran in**_

**Prowl what is it ****Prime questioned**

**Some Cyclonus guy wants to sign up some Galvatron guy ****Prowl said **

**Why ****Prime said **** Thats preposterous that would involve time travel and stupid physics**

**Yes ****said prowl **** And dont forget the enormous plot hole**

**You guys are being a tad dull dont you think ****Ratchet said **_**breaking character**_

**Yeah but I highly doubt anyone even read to this point anyway ****Prime said**

**Yup **** Prowl agreed ****This is about the point where it cant get any worse**

**Please Please ****Ratchet **_**paused for dramatic effect **_**Tell me nobody ever actually wrote like this**

_**Enter the chirping of crickets as that isnt overused at allllllll**_

**Well now ****Prowl said ****Somebody has too much faith in humanity**

**Hey ****Prime spoke **** What happened to Red alert**

**Gahhh! ****Prowl growled ****Not another plot hole**

**Ratchet ****Anymore holes and the bottom is going to fall out of this fic**

**At least we will be free ****Prime said **_**optimistically **_

**And dead ****Ratchet deadpanned**

Tune in next time! For another exciting episode of…

Ah, forget it.

Nobody survived that.

But on the off chance you did, press the 'Review' button below to call for assistance. I'll send the Decepticons to retrieve you and/or your body.


	17. 200 dead people

Bad ficcie-wiccie

***

Prowl knocked up Cliffjumper.

Let that set in your mind for a moment.

Anyway, they were sitting in Hook's office, waiting for their appointment. They would have gone to Ratchet, but that made sense, so I had to eradicate it.

"Cliffjumper?" Called Scavenger, who was acting as the nurse.

"Present! Oh, wait…"

They followed him to the other side of the room, where Hook was sewing an engine block back together; this is so a legal medical practice.

"Alrighty then." Hook said, pointing to an oil stained slab. "Hop up there and I'll have a look-sie."

He hoped up there and Hook had a look-sie.

Redundancy is your friend. You know, that one that barrows twenty dollars and never gives it back?

"Is it bad, Doc?" Asked Cliffjumper.

"Bad? It's horrible! You're pregnant."

"The horror! The horror!"

"Is…" Prowl choked up. "Is there anything we can do."

Hook sighed and hung his head.

"Nope."

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Prowl said, clearly distraught. "I don't want offspring!"

"Actually, he's having 48-tuplets." Hook said. "This is badfic, babies multiply like rabbits.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Prowl said, clearly even more distraught.

***

This part of the fic has nothing to do with the first part.

Just thought you should know that.

Megatron had just returned from the store. He is holding a giant paper sack and in it is… Self help tapes, made by Plotbean.

"Soundwave!" Megatron barked. "Transform and play these."

Soundwave eagerly waited for Megatron to press play. Three guesses as to why.

He pressed play and waited for the cassette to start.

"_Me be Plotbean. Me is here to help you be better warlord. Plotbean has many life experience in art of conquering Universe. Me credentials are: Mary-sue, Bad OC, no weaknesses, absolute perfection."_

Megatron sat at a table, deeply engrossed in this thrilling, exuberant exposé. The perfect grammar! The knowing of all he didn't know! The horrible sucking magnetism that is The Mary Sue! The total blindness of his incharacterness being torn asunder by a can of beans!

"_Step one. You is having mortal enemy with mortal conflict, no? Yes. He must eliminated be. You having been the doing this? You fail, you listening to tape."_

Megatron gaped at he recording. It was like he was reading his mind! This can of beans had his thoughts down to a T. It was so beautiful, he started to weep.

As Megatron dried his eyes, he knew one thing and one thing only: He must find this Mary sue and Marry it. The author commands it.

_***_

Well. Everybody else is doing it.

That's my excuse.

So welcome to the "Ask transformers a question!" Where I answer your question, and contribute the most miniscule amount of creativity possible!

**Reviewer: ILikzAPizzza**

**Deerest Formers, Whats do you dos behinds the scenes and stuffs?**

"Glad you asked, IlikzAPizzza!" Stated Starscream. "Boy, is your name hard to pronounce. Anyway, me and my cohort, whom I paid three dollars and fifty cents to suffer through this with me, will happily answer that! Swindle?"

"Yeah." Swindle said. "The answer to your question is: Cry and pound on the walls, hoping to escape."

"Wonderful, Swindle, wonderful. Moving on-"

**Reviewer: Cantholdbeerworthnuts**

**Who would win in a beer drinkin' contest?**

"Nobody you numb nut!" Screeched Starscream. "We'd keel over dead with that foreign contaminant in out Energon lines!"

"Erm, Starscream?" Swindle interrupted his rant. "I think he means high-grade."

"Whatever. Next!"

**Reviewer: Irlyrlyrlyrlylikeyou**

**Love me!**

"This isn't a question!"

**Reviewer: DGJGFFDFGHFGJHKLJKS**

**MY CAPS KEY IS BROCKEN**

"And so, apparently, is your spellchecker." Answered Swindle.

"This isn't a question _either._"

"Can I have my three dollars and fifty cents now?"


	18. I thought this was chapter 17

Baa baa bad fic for you.

***

Wheeljack stood in his lab. He has just built the paradox apparatus. All that was left was the power source.

This is an easy task, so we must make it complicated.

The only power source that can power a powerful paradox apparatus, would have to be as powerful as the overpowering plot device.

Such a powerful power is almost impossible to possess.

Which is why Plotbean was dismembered and rebuilt into the plot device it once was. Everyone will be happy again.

And now, Plotbean is dead again.

Lets plan his funeral and weep for the next two hours.

…

Okay, I'm bored. Let's continue!

As you have probably well forgotten, we were talking about a paradox apparatus.

Well, forget it. I'm not going anywhere with that.

* * *

Check out my new line divider! It's beautiful, practical and only cost me half a million credits! That Swindle guy sure is swell. : )

* * *

Plot device activate! It's a bit rusty, but hey, it works.

Due to an unfortunate plan crash, some undetermined as of yet Autobots and Decepticons were stranded in a jungle.

"This is… Sparta!" Screamed Sunstreaker.

"That's random, even for this fic." Complained Huffer. Uh oh, he's incharacter.

"Autobots!" Yelled two Decepticons climbing out of the rubble.

"Decepticons!" Yelled the Autobots back.

No one moved.

"So," Skywarp broke the silence. "I'm Skywarp and this is Reflector."

"Hello…" The Autobots mumbled and shuffled around like five year old meeting for the first time. "'s Huffer. 's Sunstreaker."

Awkward moment ensues.

* * *

Motormaster walked into the room in time to see Dirge smacking himself with a twig.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"Slap stick."

"Oh. You do know that visual humor doesn't work in a written medium, right?"

"But… Then why does bad fic have so much of it?"

"It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Some questions just don't have answers."

…

…

…

…

…

"Slaggit!" Megatron yelled from down the hall. "You two better stop using ellipses, or I'm going to come in there and spank you!"

* * *

Beeeeeeeep Ding

The plot device is ready to be served.

Time for….

Drum roll…

The list fic!

This is where I don't do anything but write down a list that is vaguely transformers related. Go ahead an drink a glass of milk, cause your keyboard is going to be dry as a bone when we're through!

1) Do not feed the Sharkticons manually

2) Wonder why the Autobot base has Sharkticons

3) Grasp at straws to make this funny

4) Slowly start to give up as badfic eats your soul

5)

6)

7) Wonder why I just skipped two slots

8) Toss list away in abject horror

* * *

Time for an OC.

Its… uh… Female.

Ish.

CoughBlueRepaintofStrikaCough

Many will wonder why I invented an OC when there are a hundred robot characters on the show I could have picked.

I don't get it either.

Now for a name… Well, all forms of shiny stones have been taken. Big surprise there. Several fruits too. Anything with 'star' 'flame' 'shadow' or 'Prime' in the name. Any and all combinations of Canon character names.

This leaves Cheesecake. I have yet to see someone name OC's after random desserts. I may be wrong.

Cheesecake is a Decepticon. Everyone loves her with exceeding distance. About fifty feet.

As resident mary sue, her optic color cannot be red. Instead, they are a flashing rainbow colored mess.

Her power is to stare into your eyes until you collapse into an epileptic fit. Provided you have the right medical condition, of course.

This may not be a real useful power.

To be continued….

***

This chapter brought to you today by "**_The power of love_"**! Please click the review button below to receive your free **"****_love_"***

********

* "**_The power of love_" **Corp. takes no responsibilities for any damages you may sustain from your free **"****_love_".** Please ******"****_love_" **responsibly.


	19. The MoSt EpIc Chapter EVER 11 One Two!

[A/N: This entire chapter is an Author's note.]


	20. Not the End

Bad fic something or other

Sorry this chapter took so long. Insert page long explanation/apology/random slag you didn't come here to read and is now boring you to death. Add a few excuses in there too, because in the mind of an idiot, it matters.

In this chapter, we will be exploring the "totally-was-always-there" mary sue. You know this well. It's the made up character that was REALLY there in canon, but was always hiding so, you know, you couldn't see them.

Like a creepy stalker.

Or a really bad batch of bullsh*t to introduce a horrible abomination.

Unfortunately, all my mary sues were eaten. Or killed. Or lost. Or murdered. Or fell in a plot hole. If mary sues were real people, I'd be a serial axe murderer.

So Ratchet shall be the "Totally-was-always-there" character for this chapter. I know he was actually always there, so pretend he wasn't there but was actually always there.

This isn't confusing. at. all.

And I have no way to continue this. Just for the sheer stupidity of it.

Moving on.

123123

Idiot Autor: This is something everybody just LOVES TO PIECES.

Motormaster:…

Blurr: Oh-primus!-Not-this!-this-is-that-annoying-thing-where-the-author-pretends-to-talk-to-the-characters-in-an-attempt-to-fill-the-void-of-real-friends!

Motormaster: Aw, _slag._ I can handle being the generic sadist/rapist in badfic, but I thought I was safe from this. What the frag is wrong with people?

Blurr: I-know,-everyone-has-you-pegged-as-the-unfeeling-brute,-even-though-you-never-seemed-to-show-those tendencies in canon from what I've seen… Hey, my talking slowed down! Did time stop again?

Idiot author: Nope. :/ I just got bored with putting those little slashy marks between all your words.

Blurr: That's not very nice. What if I changed the way you talked just because I got lazy?

Idiot Author: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Blurr: You're not supposed to cheer me on…

Motormaster: How do we get out of this anyway? We're trapped in script format. Nobody likes to read in script format.

Blurr: Hmmm… I may have an idea. Just do what I do.

Motormaster:…

Blurr: "Well, we got out of that okay!" Said Blurr.

Motormaster: What? You're just narrating yourself. That's not getting out of this.

Blurr: I know, but until Idiot Author releases us from this prison, we're trapped here. We may as well try to keep viewer interest by finishing the story.

Motormaster: "Yup." Said Motormaster. "We got out of that!"

Blurr: "C'mon, Compatriot!" Said Blurr forging on ahead. "Let us return."

Motormaster: Wait, you don't talk like that…

Blurr: So? Its fiction. If bad fic writers can make up trivial slag, we can too.

Motormaster: "Let's go, Blurr." Said Motormaster. They continued down the road where they ran into Breakdown. With the help of Blurr, they pummeled the idiot into the dirt and continued on.

Blurr: … And you wondered why the badfics have you characterized as an evil brute.

Motormaster: Hey, like you said, It's fiction. If they can make up bullslag, we can too.

Blurr: Can't we just say "The end" and be done with it?

Motormaster: Why didn't you just do that in the first place?

Blurr: Didn't think of it.

Motormaster: Enough of this slag! THE END


End file.
